Our First Christmas Card

This was our first Christmas card this year, received on December 5th . I'm so behind with everything that I was already dreading the whole Christmas card experience but this one carried with it an extended flurry of emotions.

You see these adorable children are the children of my best friend, Beth, my friend who was tragically killed in an automobile accident in June of 2006. I think about Beth more at Christmas than any other time of the year for two reasons. One, because she LOVED Christmas more than anyone I have ever known and two, because regrettably, that is the last time I talked to her. She always went over the top for Christmas and had just done that for Alyssa. So I called her and thanked her and I'm pretty sure I e-mailed her this photo of Alyssa in the Care Bear slippers she had sent her that Alyssa just loved! Beyond that I don't really remember much about our last conversation - so many things you would do differently if you knew it was the final time you would ever talk with someone.

This Christmas card shows two beautiful, happy children. Luke is a doll, but Mattie is stunning and looks just like Beth did at that age. Beth and I were friends from the time she was four and I was five. I was her Maid of Honor; she was my Matron in each other's weddings. Mattie is seven. A good friend told me right after the accident that these children would grow up strong and have surprisingly wonderful lives and that I shouldn't worry about them. And from this picture it sure looks that way.

But I am human and I have regrets . . . I mostly regret for Mattie and Luke and for my Alyssa that they will grow up not able to totally experience what an AMAZING mother (and Auntie) they had. I regret that we missed out on time and future plans we had together - shopping, wine and setting up Luke and Alyssa so that when they got married we would finally be related. Having the best in-laws imaginable! I regret that I have not been to Peachtree City since her funeral. These regrets make me sad.

I also find I'm forgetting things - I can't remember anymore what vehicle it was that took her life, was it a Tahoe, a Tundra, something big that starts with a "T" or did it start with a "K"? I used to remember that detail so clearly and scowl at every one I passed on the highway. Maybe that's what's called forgiveness. Or the beginning of forgiveness anyway.

Beth, I know you are in a better place but I was not ready to let you go. Like so many others, I didn't get to say good-bye and that I love you more than you will ever know. I pray you weren't in pain for very long. I pray for Mattie, Luke, Dave and both your families often. And I've still never laughed harder than we did at that Christmas gift in high school : )

So it's Christmas, a season when we all experience joy and sadness in our own ways. I am grateful for this first Christmas card; it even inspired me to get busy on mine! BUT, I miss you, Beth, especially this time of year, and I guess I always will!